I didn’t want kids when I was 18…..
I didn’t want them when I was 22….
When you are that young and extremely selfish you don’t want anything that will eat up your time, money, or anything else that you thought you had.
God has a funny way of changing that around, when my first child was born I was 22. I’m 33 now and have four kids, my youngest just had his first birthday.
All four of them are unique in their own way and all the same in others. I couldn’t imagine my life without them.
I don’t want to hurt anyone……
My 11 year old son told me that tonight.
I kinda figured this day would happen. When I got divorced I figured it would.
Back story and I’m not going to take you back that far, I try to be transparent on somethings but I will protect my family so please bear with me.
When I got divorced I chose not to fight for my kids against the advice of my lawyer (and my lawyer really had my best interest in mind) because I didn’t want to drag them through that. Broke my heart. Broke it. Still broken. I felt like I was doing what was best for my kids, I wanted to protect them and I didn’t want to create any more tension in an already tense situation. Joshua was at the time 7 and Grace was turning 4. Joshua is 11 now and has seen a lot of things and has had to deal with a lot of things that in his mind are wrong.
Let me give you an idea of what kind of heart Joshua has. When I sat Joshua down and talked to him about me and his mother getting a divorce and tried to explain things about how things would be and how it wasn’t his fault etc etc, he stop me and asked “what about Grace?” , I asked “what about her son? It’s not her fault either” , “no daddy, I can’t leave her, she has to come with us”. He had it set in his mind that he was going to live with me and wanted to make sure we brought Grace with us.
Bring it back to present tense. Today we were talking and it got brought back up some how about Joshua wanting to live me and his response is now, I don’t know. Up to this point he has wanted to live with me, today it’s I don’t know. I’m thinking to myself, typical undecided boy, that’s ok. It was ok until I looked at him and saw the hurt look in his eyes. Something was different. It was almost a look of “I feel like I am torn between something I want to do and something I have to do”. I tried to talk to him about it but didn’t push the issue, I don’t want to add pressure to a boy that already feels pressured.
When we got home tonight we got a chance, just him and I, to talk about whats going on. His mother, has been, and I am using the word he used, bribing him and his sister to want to stay with her, and has been telling them that if they came to live with me they wouldn’t be able to do this that or anything else. He didn’t want to hurt anyone and he is afraid it would break his mother’s heart. We got to talk about a lot tonight. I ended our conversation the only way I knew how, reassure him that I love him and whatever decsion he makes I won’t be upset, I want him to live with me, but I won’t be mad or hurt if he doesn’t. I asked to him to pray and ask God for His guidance and listen for an answer. Ask himself what he thought would be best for Joshua, not his daddy, not his momma, but for Josh. Once again my kid has a heart that is bigger than any adult I know, his response to that was “daddy I would be better off with you because I can grow a better relationship with God here and I wouldn’t feel like some one is trying to buy my love”. I asked him to just pray for God’s will and to listen, God will.
I’m asking ya’ll to please pray for my son, an 11 year old shouldn’t have to pay for my sin. An 11 year old shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of pressure.
Me and one of the guys I work with were at a local service station today and he made a comment to me that just grated every bit of me.
His comment was, “I can’t understand what they are saying in there it sounds like a bunch of ducks quacking”.
“They’re Vietnamese”, I responded.
He said “ya whatever, I just can’t understand them”.
I agree you can’t understand them.
The conversation goes on and he tells me that “they have some kinda Buddha shrine set-up in there and I don’t much care for that, but hey that’s for them, it ain’t for me.”
I almost responded ” hey it ain’t your store, it’s their belief and their culture.”
How many times have we seen an idol or shrine set up to a false god and we just say, “hey that’s for them, not for me”?
Or how many times have you wanted to defend someone because of their beliefs?
I don’t believe in attacking anyone because of how the believe.
But I do know for fact that we are to share the Gospel of Jesus, with everyone…..even Buddhist.
I have been looking over the blur that has been the last few days. I have been complaining about how busy I am and how I don’t have time for anything. WAAAHHHH. Shut up you big baby.
I am blessed beyond measure, and I complain? Well the complaint department is now closed. Yes I have been busy, but I asked for it. I asked for God to use me however he wants (I almost typed needs here but God doesn’t need me for anything, he is God). This doesn’t just stop at church, it includes my home life, my work, everything. I want God to use me.
My father use to tell me that there are two types of people out there, those that &%$#@! about it and those that will do something about it. Well here it is. Buck up, put your big boy pants on and go, fight through the BS and go. Just shut-up and go. There are greater things to be done and it requires sacrifice. Are you willing to sacrifice, for your work, for your family, for your God?
Question for all three of my loyal readers.
How do you do it?
Do what?
It….
It can be alot of things.
Today my question is how do you take captive your thoughts?(2Cor 10:5)
I struggle with this every single day.
My thoughts of pride, lust, anxiety, evil, evil thoughts.
Does anyone else wrestle with themselves like this?
Somethings just absolutely invade my thoughts.
One of the things that I have found to be true is if I stay busy than it’s not as bad.
Another thing I have found to be true is that when Satan hates you he will use everything he can to get inside your head.
Some days it is so bad that I can’t sleep. My therapist told me once (yes I saw a therapist, my divorce wasn’t the easiest thing) that my mind went 90 to nothing all the time, and I had to learn to slow it down.
To answer your question no, I’m not crazy, I don’t talk to myself or have thoughts of going on a killing spree.
What I have is a mind that is constantly racing from one thought to the next and back again. Some of my thoughts though are not what I want to think about.
I don’t want to doubt things in my faith, I don’t want to doubt the validity of my relationships, I don’t want to doubt my self worth. I don’t want to look at what someone has and covet or lust for it.
But as fast as my mind races sometimes it is very hard to catch it before it goes to far.
I’m tired. Some days I just want to just quit and let it go, it can get bad enough that I get a pretty bad headache, add a tuff day at work onto that and any issues that may be going on at home and BAM, my noggins thumpin.
So, I would like to know what you do to take captive your thoughts.
Ebola virus, also called hemorrhagic fever. The Ebola virus is a very lethal virus that essentially turns your internal organs to mush, causing internal and often external bleeding ultimately resulting in death. There is no vaccination for the Ebola virus you have to let it run its course, and from the statistics you have about a 10 percent chance of living.
Now that everyone has this picture in your head (kinda graphic, huh?) this is what is wrong with my finances. I am hemorrhaging money, my financial internal organs are turning to mush and I am bleeding money out of my pores. I have over thirty thousand dollars of consumer debt and I figured out that I am going in the hole more and more every month. I have got to stop the bleeding. I was not oblivious to this but chose to pseudo-ignore the issue because my wife was some how making it work. This, however, is not how God has called me to lead my house. I have to get involved deeper, and honestly I don’t want to.
Ignorance is bliss, and I am one happy somebody. I was happy not knowing just how bad or deep I am in debt. This, I guess was a matter of self-preservation. I don’t have the patience to worry, sound kinda crazy? Ya. Uh, if I can’t fix it quick, then I don’t want to worry about it. If I can’t find the solution fast and put a fast fix in place, then I hate it. I don’t want to worry about it. Blissfully ignorant. Broke, but blissfully ignorant to the point of stupidity.
Crosspoint had the ReThink Money seminar this weekend. Loved it. Casey Graham made a very painful, very embarrassing issue easier to deal with. He showed us how to eliminate our debt, where to find the money in our budgets to helped us eliminate debt and set very attainable goals to do it. His program is my vaccination. With effort, obedience, prayer and diligence I will be able to have my consumer debt paid off before I die. Thank you Casey and the Crosspoint leadership staff for bringing Casey in to help us ReThink money.
I would be more than happy to discuss how deep in the hole I am, my plan of action and the time frame I have set to do it in, but not here. If you will leave me a comment I will be happy to e-mail you or just run me down at church and we can discuss it and I’ll even tell you why I won’t discuss it here, even though I’m sure some of you can figure it out.
Oh the wild thing about all this is it all starts with obedience……
I love AC/DC
I’ve got joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart…..Blah.
Just fake it…..Blah.
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job……Blah.
Smile it makes everything better……Blah.
Don’t worry. Be happy……..where’s my freakin gun!!!!
This is how I have been feeling for a while. No joy. In anything.
Depressed, and I can’t put a finger on why, I could probably put several fingers on it.
Tired+worried+stress=depressed
Where is my joy?
In God? Honestly most days I feel like I am a child again being punished.
Being sent to my room by the Almighty.
Every time I feel like I am coming out of this, like something is finally starting to give, that I am making headway.
I’m sent to my room….
Yesterday I am driving to Birmingham and I am talking to God, asking God the same questions I normally do.
What am I doing or not doing God?
Cause and effect…..
What?
You heard me, cause and effect….
I’m sorry Lord, I don’t follow what your saying…..
<<<<POP>>>>
Ouch!!! Why’d you do that?
When you were a kid why did you get sent to your room? Why did you get a whoopin ?(my momma and daddy didn’t spank, they gave you a whoopin)
Cause they were mean, and didn’t let me do what I wanted to…
Uh no. <<<<POP!!!>>>> Quit trying to be cute.
Cause I done something wrong.
You disobeyed, you were disobedient.
My parents never punished me because they thought it was fun, or they just wanted to be mean. They did it to correct me. They corrected me in love. I have felt like God has been punishing me for the past several years, it seemed like I was existing but never with the true joy that comes with salvation. To quote a line from a movie, I felt like ‘God was a big mean kid with a magnifying glass burning ants’, that was me, the ant. When the truth of the matter is I wasn’t being obedient to God. I wasn’t listening when he told me to listen, I wasn’t talking when he told me to speak. I’m not giving like he has told me to give and yes I am talking about tithing. I’m not mending the relationships that he has told me to mend. I have a laundry list of things I haven’t done to be obedient to Him. It is a wonder he has blessed me with the great things I do have in my life. He is merciful. Thank you for correcting me in love Lord.
I like Bob Marley…you thought it was going to be Bobby McFarrin did you?
I love Christmas lights.
If it didn’t look so redneck I would leave mine up all year long.
When I was a kid that’s what got me in the Christmas spirit.
We had those big colored bulbs, you know, the ones about the size of your thumb. Man I loved those lights. I know you can still buy them but my bride thinks they are tacky to some level.
This is the first year since 2004 that I have put Christmas lights on my house. This is the first year since 2004 that I have had a house.
It was this time 4 years ago that my ex-wife and I split up. The Christmas’s that followed that one were rough. I remember that I didn’t get to see my kids open their gifts on Christmas morning 2004, I remember how cold my apartment floor was, and I remember that I was so ashamed of where I was living and how I was living that I didn’t want my kids to see it. It was months before I had furniture, and I wasn’t going to allow my children to sleep in the floor.
I want to tell you guys a story about the years in between but not just yet, it’s not really relevant to this post. Lets fast forward to 2006.
Christmas of ‘06 things were starting to look up, I was in a better place financially, I was growing spiritually, and I was dating a great girl. But Christmas 2007 was the year….that great girl I was dating in ‘06 is now my beautiful bride of six months and is pregnant with our little boy, I got a promotion at work and I am serving every Sunday at church. This year, we have a beautiful healthy baby that is 6 months old, the relationship I have with my bride grows more and more, and we have a house of our own that I can put my Christmas lights on.
God has truly blessed me in the last four years, Christmas lights are not my only reminder of that. My wife is a reminder to me every morning that I wake up next to her that God has blessed me, the Christmas tree in our living room reminds me, hearing our baby laugh reminds me, knowing that I get to see my kids face light up on Christmas morning while they are opening their gifts reminds me, knowing that I have a job today reminds me.
Not having to sleep on a cold floor reminds me of ALL the things God has blessed me with.
This time of year brings back a flood of feelings and memories, some bad but mostly good.
So what gets you in the Christmas spirit?
Kind of an odd subject, but appropriate.
There is a scene in the movie the Polar Express (it’s on ABC Family right now) that reminded me of toys that just creeped me out. Here is my list of creepy toys that aren’t intended to be creepy, but they are.
1. Marionette
Look at this freakish thing….I hate these things, with it’s evil grin. It looks like it has blood running down the sides of its mouth.
2. Jack in the box
Do I really need to say anything? Look at the clown on the box…wake up in a cold sweat. Oh I hate clowns. I believe the anti-christ will be a freakin clown. As far as the “Jack” all it needs is a knife in one of its flat hands.
3. Faceless dolls
The tag on the doll says: I’ve come to keep you company….Forever, I’ll never leave you….EVER!!! Sitting in the corner staring at you, no face. NO FACE!!!!
Argh, now I’ll be awake all night curled up in the fetal position with my head under the covers, cause we all know that the faceless doll is going to take the marionette strings and strangle you with them…Have you seen the Puppet Master??? I HATE THAT MOVIE.
What toy did you think was creepy when you were a kid?
I have done some shameful things before but I think this one tops it.
I touched.
No, wait.
I caressed one of the sexiest.
I mean sexy.
Smoking maybe a better way to describe this ebony beauty.
Sizzling hot.
Cool to the touch.
I was all over it.
This is one of the sexiest grills I have ever seen.
We were over at the Pittman house the other night and I saw this and, well, I cheated on my Weber Kettle BBQ grill.
I also violated a man law, I touched another man’s grill.
Some people may not think this is a man law violation, or they may have an “open” relationship with another man’s grill but I normally don’t.
I have to admit that I have used another man’s grill with him watching, but he was going to burn the meat, and I wanted to know what it would be like to use gas.
Now if another man tries and touch my grill they will pull back a bloody stump.
I don’t share.
I have sinned.
Lord Jesus forgive me for the lust I have in my heart.
I was going to post pictures of it but I do not promote porn on my blog, grill or otherwise.
